I've been having trouble lately. Trouble finding sleep until the wee hours of the morning. Trouble finding time to read a book. Trouble finding some downtime to just unwind and be myself.
I'm also having trouble pinpointing what it is I want to do tomorrow.
It's the most unsettled I've felt in quite some time... actually, it's probably the most unsettled I've ever felt.
A large, very large, part of me is ready to find my next big step in life. I'm 31 and have been itching to move. I want a change in scenery. I want a change in finances. I want a change in what I do 10-12 hours a day. I recently met with someone to talk about this and left the meeting in tears. I was more confused than I was when I went in to talk.
What scared me was how easy it was to talk me out of wanting a change.
What scared me was how obvious it was to me that I have no earthly idea of what I want.
What scared me was how I don't seem to have any true convictions as to what I want to do next.
So I cried.
After gulp crying (think about it... you know the type) to my sister on the phone for longer than I care to admit, she came up with the idea of me writing a personal mission statement. YES, a mission statement, that was what I needed. A self written road map helping me decide which direction to go on almost every life decision. It's really quite brilliant.
It would be even more brilliant if I could get it started. I've read website after website after blog after website explaining to me what it is and how I should go about starting it. In the end, however (or am I still at the beginning) I'm left not knowing how to start the thing.
So maybe that's my problem... it isn't about defining direction or purpose but about figuring out how to get at the beginning of my trail in life. How do I start the course if I'm not sure where the start is? How do I find the beginning to my next story?
I have to answer that before I take my next step.
I owe it to myself.